Why You’re Not ‘Too Functional’ to Be Struggling
You get the kids to school. You answer the texts. You show up at work, book the dentist appointment, send the thank-you note.
You’re the one who holds it all together — the reliable one, the strong one, the one who makes it all look easy (even when it’s not).
And from the outside? It looks like you’re doing fine.
But here’s the truth no one talks about:
Functioning doesn’t mean thriving. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not struggling.
Just because you can push through doesn’t mean you should have to.
High-Functioning Anxiety Is Still Real Anxiety
We’ve been taught to believe that if you’re doing the things — keeping the house standing, getting the kids to school, making the meetings — then you must be okay.
But functioning is a survival skill.
It’s not a reflection of how supported, peaceful, or connected you feel inside.
Sometimes the most “put-together” moms are the ones who are quietly drowning.
Not because they’re weak. But because they’ve gotten used to carrying too much without letting it show.
Maybe you can relate:
You can’t remember the last time you rested without guilt.
You don’t know how to ask for help without feeling like a burden.
You wake up already bracing for what the day will take from you.
You think, “Other people have it worse. I should be grateful.”
You tell yourself, “If I can just get through this week…” — every week.
🧡 “You deserve more than just survival mode.”
And if you’re managing high-functioning anxiety alongside the mental load of motherhood? It’s even heavier than it looks on paper.
(You might also recognize yourself in this blog about nervous system overload →.)
The Invisible Cost of “Holding It Together”
Here’s what no one sees when you’re the high-functioning one:
The tension headaches
The irritability that bubbles up and surprises even you
The 3AM panic over things that don’t feel rational
The feeling of being trapped in a life you love but also feel crushed by
The cost isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. It’s relational. It’s a slow erosion of your connection to yourself.
You’re showing up for everyone else.
But who’s showing up for you?
I see it all the time — moms who are brilliant at holding everything together but feel invisible inside their own story.
You don’t have to stay invisible to yourself.
If You’ve Ever Thought, “I’m Fine… But I’m Not Fine” — You’re Not Alone
It’s so common for high-functioning moms to minimize their needs because they don’t fit the “rock bottom” picture of struggle.
But here’s the thing:
You don’t have to fall apart to qualify for support.
If you’re tired of pretending it’s fine when it’s not — that’s enough.
If you’re tired of feeling like you have to earn your right to be cared for — that’s enough.
You don’t have to wait until it gets worse to choose something different.
🧡 “Struggle is valid even when it’s quiet.”
Gentle Coping Strategies for High-Functioning Anxiety
If any of this sounds familiar, here’s where you might begin — not to fix yourself, but to start reconnecting to the parts of you that need more:
Check in with yourself daily — without judgment.
Instead of “How was my day?” try asking, “How am I doing underneath it all?”
Lower the bar for rest.
It doesn’t have to be a spa day. Rest can be sitting in your car for three extra minutes before going inside.
Say no without explaining.
You don’t have to justify your limits. They’re allowed to exist because you do.
Let someone help — even a little.
Let your partner pack the lunch. Let your mom babysit. Let the friend bring dinner. Accepting help doesn’t diminish your strength. It extends it.
Consider therapy as a gift to your future self.
Trauma-informed therapy for moms isn’t about “fixing” you. It’s about helping you breathe again — fully, freely, and without permission.
You Don’t Have to Keep Carrying It Alone
You’re not “too functional” to be struggling.
You’re not “too lucky” to be overwhelmed.
You’re not “too much” for needing care.
You’re a human being who’s been taught to minimize her needs until they scream louder than she can silence.
But you don’t have to wait for a breakdown to choose healing.
👉 If you’re ready for something different, let’s talk.
You deserve more than endurance.
You deserve ease. Support. Breathable space inside your own life.
And it’s closer than you think.
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About the Author
I’m Victoria Rutsch, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) based in Walnut Creek, California, and a mom who knows firsthand how heavy life can feel when you’re carrying too much.
I specialize in supporting women through the complex seasons of life — whether that’s pregnancy, postpartum, major life transitions, healing from past trauma, or simply realizing that the life you built no longer fits who you are. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
I offer in-person and virtual therapy across California, including EMDR therapy and EMDR intensives for deeper, focused healing. I’m certified in Perinatal Mental Health (PMH-C), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) — but most importantly, I believe healing starts with being seen, heard, and supported exactly where you are.